19 Temmuz 2012 Perşembe

15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People


15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

1. Forgive

What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?

2. Wait it Out

Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?

Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?

4. Don’t Respond

Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It

When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.
Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes

As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons

No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life

Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.
Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer

When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.

10. Go for a Run

… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario

Ask yourself two questions,
  1. If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?
  2. If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?
Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions

When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important

List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?

14. Pour Honey

This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It

Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

1. Hurting Ourselves

One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.

2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them

I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.
There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.

3. Battle of the Ego

When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.
Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?
When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?

4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.

Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.
Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.

5. Waste of Energy

Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.

6. Negativity Spreads

I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.

7. Freedom of Speech

People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?
Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.


16 Temmuz 2012 Pazartesi

Bir Rahvandır Gitti Bütün Haftasonu

Cuma içilen şaraplardan sonra, cumartesi sabahı sederjin+advil+portakal suyu üçlüsüyle güne başlamak.
Göz açılıp, beyin çalışmaya başlayınca, atılan mesajları recall etme isteği.
Amannnn rahvan gitsin diyerek geri yatma.
Haydi Foça'ya! Eski Foça, yanlış olmasın.

Arabada Aerosmith-Crazy eşliğinde, Foça Restoran'a doğru yol alıyoruz. 
Gün batımında, meze sofrasında, dört kız birarada... Mezelerin biri gitsin biri gelsin, yiyelim bol bol, rahvan gitsin!

Ordan 'Dip Bar' adlı bir mekandayız. Çok güzel rock yapan bir grup var, keyfime diyecek yok tabi.
Zıpla, dans et, hoppiiii! Hayat ne kadar faniii! Rahvan gitsin! 

Bi şort, bi tshirt, bi parmak arası, içinde ıslak bikini, saçlar tuzlu.  
Bir rahvandir gitti bütün hafta sonu.

Cem Yılmaz güzel söyler; ' Koy götüne rahvan gitsin :) '
Peki ne demektir bu 'Rahvan' ? Merak edildi, bakıldı, bir at yürüyüş şekliymiş.

Saygılar, Sevgiler...

13 Temmuz 2012 Cuma

Hicbiryerin ortasindayim...

Hicbiryerin tam ortasindayim demis Bedri  Baykam!  Aynen oyle bi gece... Guzel muhabbet arkadaslarla, zaten ben muhebbet severim, tartistik gene siyasetten aska herseyi... Kimsenin fikri bir digerine uymuo, sinerji orda basliyo. E herkez uyudu evimde, kaldim ben gene kendimle ve kedimle :) Telefonda 'hadi gel' diyen mesajlar, Alsancak'in ortasinda iki adim yurumeye usenir oldum!  Bir cuma da boyle bitti...

10 Temmuz 2012 Salı

Long Weekend

4 güne çıkarttığım haftasonu tatilimde,  en sahsına münasır dostlarımla, Cesme'de;

.... barbun ve tekirin farkını, anti parantez kelimesinin saçmalığını, her sevgilisine göre farklı bir karakter benimseyen kız arkadaşımızı, bir kahvaltıcıda portakal suyunun neden olmadığını, erkeklerin gruba neden baska bir erkek gelmesinden hoşlanmadıklarını, bir işletmenin iyi Mojito'yu neden 3 kere geri gönderdikten sonra becerebildiğini, aramızdan birinin neden sürekli Süleyman adlı şahıslarla çıktığını, önyargının özgüvensiz insanlarda olduğunu, Metronomy grubunu neden sevdiğimi, parmak arası terliğin gay işi olup olmadığını, bir haftasonu bile geçiremediğin insanları acilen hayatından çıkartman gerektiğini, ısrarla neden aynı çirkin otelde kaldığımı ...

ve bunun gibi yerli yersiz her konuda çenemizi yorduk.

Tadı damağımızda kalanlar;

Mona'da dört peynirli risotto
Fun Beach'te quesadilla
Port Restaurant'ta ızgara ahtapot

Dilimizdeki şarkı ;

'The Wanted - Glad you came'

Aklımda kalanlar mı?

PS: Arkadaslarım hemen sordu, hemen soyleyeyim :
Eski sevgilimin adı Süleyman değil, hafta sonu birine aşık olmadım, parmak arası terlik giyen erkek hoşuma gider

5 Temmuz 2012 Perşembe

Bana Benimle 2 Saat

Huzurlu bir uykunun ortasında, ayağımda bir acı ile sıçrıyorum. Dişleri kaşınan kedim adeta başparmağımı kopartıyor. Saate bakıyorum 05:17.
Açık bıraktığım salonun ışığını kapıyorum, kahvemi alıp balkona çıkıyorum. Hava alacakaranlık, güzel bir serinlik. Battaniye omuzlarımda,  kendini affettirmeye çalışan kedim kucağımda... Fonda Amy Winehouse-To Know Him Is To Love Him...

Korna sesinden, delikanlı bağırışlarından, bangır bangır müzik çalan arabalardan eser yok...
Uzun zamadır bir telaşım, acelem olmadan, hic birsey yapmadan böyle oturmadığımı fark ediyorum. Hep biryerlere yetişme, istemediğim halde çoğu zaman yapılan programlara uyma çabası... Yanlızlığı seven biri için, bu ara etrafımın çok kalabalık olduğunu fark ediyorum. Kendime, haftaya kendimle daha çok buluşmak için söz veriyorum.

Erken başlayan bir perşembe günü balkonumda bu 2 saat çok iyi geliyor ruhuma.
Hayaller de yine ayaklarımın dibinde.
Sen, ben, biz, aynı şehirde...

3 Temmuz 2012 Salı

Kısa Bir Tahayyül

Uzun bir iskelenin en ucunda iki kişi... Kareli masa örtüsü olan ahşap bir masada iki kadeh rakı...
Güneş denizin üstünden batıyor, gökyüzü turuncu...
Kız çocuğa bakıyor, o kemikli surata karşı anlamadığı bir sevgi, nedenini bildiği bir utangaçlık...
'Seni tanımak isterim' diyor az konuşan çocuk...
'Sonunda' diyor kız içinden, sadece gülümsüyor...

Uyanıyorum birden! Mesainin bitmesine daha 2 saat var.
'Keşke rakının tadını sevebilsem ...' diyorum kendi kendime ...

2 Temmuz 2012 Pazartesi

Two Door Cinema Club ve Metronomy

Günlerden perşembe...
Pazartesi aldığım narkozdan sonra evde yatışımın 4.gününde, film ve dizi izlemekten beyni sulanmış bir sekilde yataktan 'Two Door Cinema Club ve Metronomy' konserine gitmek üzere kalkıyorum.
Normal şartlarda Izmir'de olacağım için kaçıracaktım, bir şekilde Istanbul'dayım, o zaman tadını çıkartalım.

Sahneye ilk Metronoy çıktı. 'Heartbreaker', 'She Wants', 'The Bay' gibi sevilen şarkılarını söyledi. Ve tabi ki benim favorim 'The Look'...


Cause you read it in a big book
And now giving me the look look
But just remember how we shook shook
And all the things we took took
This time’s the oldest friend of mine

Two Door Cinema Club' a gelince, kuzey Irlandalı bu indie rock grubunun yaptığı müzik gercekten hosuma gidiyor.
‘What You Know’, ‘This Is The Life’ ve ‘Something Good Can Work’ şarkılarını seslendiriyorlar.

Güzel müzik, güzel sahne, güzel kalabalık, güzel bir gece...